Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
