So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
