i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
