I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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