I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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