I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize