the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
