i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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