why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
