i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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