This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
