Define "chronic" masturbator.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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