i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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