I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize