Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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