this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize