apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
