Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
