its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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