I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize