The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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