I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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