and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
