lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
