I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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