I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
