apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
