Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
