So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize