Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
