True but thats because hes a fetus.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
