I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
