Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We are two peas in an std pod
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
