were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm really busy with my period
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