I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
