Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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