i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
