Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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