My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
