I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
