I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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