in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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