Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
