Whatcha textin bout Willis?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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