We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
