His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
