dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
