listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
