hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
