I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
do herpes really smell.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize