I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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