Banned from zoo.
Again?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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