remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
