Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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