Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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