Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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