I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
