Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
