You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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