I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
