Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
