i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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