ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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